Journey Through the Valley of Trials

GOD IS MY VICTORY and HE IS HERE!

This is my prayer in the desert, and all that’s within me feels dry.  This is my prayer of the hunger in me, my God is a God who provides.   This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain.  There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me Lord through the flames.  And I will bring praise, I will bring praise!  No weapon forged against me shall remain!  Isaiah 54:17

I will rejoice, I will declare; God is my victory and He is here! 

 (Yes, He’s here with me through ALL my trials.  He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His and that He will never ever leave me or forsake me or abandon me.  He loves me, even though I am not perfect or even close to being good enough.)  

And this is my prayer in the battle, and triumph is still on its way. 

 I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise I’ll stand.  

All of my life, in every season,

 YOU ARE STILL GOD, I HAVE A REASON TO SING, 

I HAVE A REASON TO WORSHIP!  

“Yea!! You are my God, I have a reason to live, 

I have a reason to worship!!  

All of my days, in every trial, 

YOU ARE MY GOD.  

I HAVE A REASON TO LIVE, 

I HAVE A REASON TO WORSHIP!!”  

  I WILL BRING PRAISE, I WILL BRING PRAISE, 

NO WEAPON FORGED AGAINST ME SHALL REMAIN!  

I WILL REJOICE, I WILL DECLARE:  

GOD is MY VICTORY and HE IS HERE!

Feeling stuck in a shell and can not get out, yet wanting to get out but not knowing how.  Been leaning on the Lord, but, apparently not in the right direction.  Okay.  While in my self made shell, finally realizing that I put myself in it for protection a long time ago and got stuck.  While married and not in my shell, I had to fight for my rights and teach my children to fight for their rights, also; but then the D-word happened and I went deep into my shell.

 

It was blamed on me having too much pride and that is the explanation for why all the bad things keep happening.  Never been sure what to think about that.  If we say we have no pride, then we are lying and the Lord hates us because He hates sin and lying is sin.  God loves me and has been leading me day by day and for some reason unbeknownst to me they (my so called friends) say that all my troubles are from a secret sin in my life and that I am not following Him closely enough.  I know this all sounds confusing, but it is the way my mind is working and I am finally writing it down on paper to deal with it in whatever way is needed.

and I thank my God for music, for it is the only thing that keeps me sane, and keeps me from giving up on life completely.  God is using the words to my favorite songs to reach deep into my heart and help me to feel once again and to lean on His love which never gives up on me.

I need You Jesus to come to my rescue.  

Where else can I go?  

There’s no other Name by which I am saved, capture me with grace.  

I will follow YOU!!

This world has nothing for me.  

I (can) barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I am with you".

I’ll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are, no matter where I am, and every tear I cry, Lord, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm!

My strength is almost gone, I can barely hear You.

I’ll praise the God who gives and takes away.

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord.  I will be joyful in the God of my salvation.  The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, and He will make me walk on high hills.   

Habakkah 3:17-19

 

Holy Father, in Jesus' name, I confess and believe that no weapon forged against me shall remain, and every tongue that rises against me in judgment (even from my earthly dad) I shall condemn.  This is my heritage because I am a servant of the Lord and my righteousness is from God. I believe I dwell in the secret place of the Most High. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; my GOD in HIM I will trust.”  I will not be afraid of the terror by night, nor the arrow that flies by day.  I will put on the whole armor of God, so that I can stand up against the arrows the devil fires at me.  I realize I do not fight against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Satan’s greatest weapon is deception and he uses it as an illusion to make me feel worthless.  I must remain steadfast and strong or the poisonous arrows of the wicked one will eventually break through my armor and I will fall into the pit of despair.  That is where I do not want to be because it is very hard to climb back out unless my dear friends, Bernice and Holly help me out, which they have done many times.  I am so thankful to have them as my friends!  Thank You Lord for using each of us to bless each other and to be available to help each other in times of need.  I only hope that someday I will be as confident in my walk with the Lord as they are.

 How long must I pray, must I pray to you;

How long, must I wait, must I wait for You;

How long till I see your face, see you shining through;

‘cause I’m on my knees begging you to notice me,

I’m on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

*One tear in the dropping rain, one voice in a sea of pain;

Could the maker of the stars, hear the sound of my breaking heart;

One light is all I am, right now I can barely stand;

If you’re everything You say You are, would you come close and hold my heart?

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes.

So much can slip away, before I say good bye;

But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why;

‘cause I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me,

I’m on my knees, Father, will You run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain;

I can’t see but I’ll take my chances to hear YOU call my name,

 hear You call my name.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart

 

I believe the wisdom of God's Word dwells in me, and because He says it does, I realize that I should be without fear or dread of evil; but that is one area where I really struggle. In all my ways I know and acknowledge God and His Word.  He directs my path each day and He orders my thoughts and words I speak.  Yet, I still fail and let the devil’s arrows break through my armor.  This is not my will that these things happen.  Why do I let them tear me down?  I realize it is my choice, though I never remember purposely choosing to let it happen. 

As I look into God's word, it is health to my nerves and my mind.  Yet, it makes me wonder what on earth I am doing to be bringing on all these disasters into my life!  First, one whole year of lyme relapse before receiving healing, Praise the Lord!!  Then going to 2 dentists to find out that what I told the very first dentist almost 2 years ago was the correct diagnosis and I have been living with an abscessed tooth for a very long time.  I realize that it has been so long, that no one will think it really is a problem because I should be used to it by now, but I’m not.  It still hurts and I am sure it has caused irreparable damage to that area of my mouth. 

Then, the well went dry and having dirty, bacteria water to deal with for over a year, almost constantly.  Then, quitting the bank job that was making my relapse much worse, and then not being able to get unemployment because CVG says I am still employed by them, when in reality I left by giving them a resignation letter in Feb. 2009.   It took several months to clear up so I could receive unemployment compensation.

Yesterday, something strange took over me as I walked into the garage, noticed the mess of stinky, dirty water from my hot water tank that leaked during the night, and shook my head in disbelief, got into my car, backed it out of garage, loaded it up and went to do a placement.  I do not think I even really worried about it or even really thought about it until I got back home.  Then, I just chalked it up to just another trial that I had to get through.  Why not?  Am I too good of a person to not deserve these things to happen?  NO.  Why should they not happen?  I need to be happy that I am worthy to be tested in the fire.

Then, I panicked because I knew that one of two things may have happened to me.  Either I let my feelings not come to the surface, which I know will make me depressed, or I just do not care anymore, which ultimately ends in deep depression.  I still am not sure which one actually was taking place.  I was in the pit of despair and wondering how on earth I ended up there again.  Why can I not learn to deal with this stuff?  Why do I not let it roll off my back like I used to?  Why do I just give in to it and let it take over my whole persona?

I’m in the moment now, a bitter root

A wandering eye, and then, the ties that bind start wearing thin.

I’m in the moment now when all that I’ve been blessed with is not enough

Here’s where the ground gets loose, here’s where the devils call my bluff.

I need to STAY STRONG, I am not lost!

I NEED to fix my eyes ahead;

There’s a new dawn to light my day.

I’ve got to STAY STRONG, as I run for the prize that lies ahead.

I’ve come too far to lose my way.

I’ve seen the tragic flaws, the tortured souls, the saints with feet of clay;

Here’s where sin becomes cliché.

I’ve come through the wilderness of lyme and watched the cloud by day, the burning sky into dawn; have I forgotten who I am?  Did I forget whose trip I’m on?

I need to STAY STRONG!!  I am not lost!

I NEED to fix my eyes ahead.

There’s a new dawn to light my day.  I’ve got to STAY STRONG!!

 I run for the prize that lies ahead & I’ve come too far to lose my way.

Get up!  There’s further to go.

Get up!  There’s more to be done.

Get up!  This witness is sure.

Get up!  This race can be won!!

This race can be won.  WOW!!

I’ve got to STAY STRONG, I AM NOT LOST!

I need to fix my eyes ahead, and don’t worry about what is behind.

My Father’s dawn will light MY day.

STAY STRONG!!

HIS GRIP IS SURE AND HIS PATIENCE STILL ENDURES,  

THERE WILL BE NO LETTING GO TODAY!!

I am strengthened and reinforced with mighty power in my inner self by the Holy Spirit Himself Who dwells in me. God is my strength and my refuge, and I confidently trust in Him and in His Word. I am empowered through my union with Almighty God. This gives me the superhuman, supernatural strength to walk in divine health and to live in abundance.  Some days I do not “feel” like I have any strength, but I know deep down that I have the Holy Spirit in me, therefore I always have the strength I need for each day.

God Himself has said, "Don’t be obsessed with getting more material things.  Be relaxed in what you have.  Since God assured us, ‘I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,’ we can boldly quote, God is there, ready to help,

I’m fearless no matter what.  Who or what can get to me?” Heb. 13:5-6 TMB                       

I take comfort and am encouraged and confidently and bold say, "The Lord is my helper. I will not be seized with alarm. I will not fear or be terrified, for what can man do to me?"

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31