During the past few months, I have been crying out to God to show me how to live my life and if I really have a purpose left in this life, I want to know what it is. I’ve been asking Him to show me where I am to work, how to work out all the issues in my life and He tells me to ‘trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways, I need to acknowledge Him and (then) He will direct my paths.’ I have to admit that I could not totally understand how to do this. I was confused, because of pride, I thought I already was living for Him. But, I knew in my heart that I had some besetting sins that I just could not stop on my own. Oh, I knew I was sinning while doing it-my thoughts and words were not always totally true. I was saying what I was thinking and that was not always good. I need to learn to season my words so they do not cause harm to the hearers.
A pastor preached the sermon, “A Crippling Spirit”, back in one of the other churches I have attended in the past. That message has been in my mind and heart since then. Here are some of the things I am pondering and praying for understanding over: (the pastor’s words are in quotes)
“Jesus wants me to want Him enough to overcome obstacles and push in His direction. He does not want to throw things at me that I do not have a real conviction to receive.” – He waits for me to be ready!
“God will touch those that have a desire to get to Him.” - Therefore, I need a strong desire to come to Him no matter what others will think, I have to be willing to push through the crowd to get to Him.
When there is desire enough in my heart and soul, I will find what I’m looking for and then be able to move beyond myself and what other people think and say, and get to where the voice of Jesus is calling me. I feel He is calling me into a deeper relationship with Him.
“Sometimes it hurts to move toward Christ.” - Afraid that it will all happen again and I will be left in the dust of life to try to straighten out my life over and over again I build walls around my heart and soul to avoid anymore hurt. I protect myself and have become cold and hard to things I should care for and love. When I get overwhelmed, I just turn off my emotions, stop feeling and go into my little walled up world of 'me'. I am so thankful that I can see that now! And, that is the last place that I should be going, I should be running to my Savior, Jesus Christ; He will always save me from whatever is going on in my life! Although it may not be in the ways that others or even myself think I should be saved, but He is there with me and He has not given up on me and He never will!!
"When the desire for change becomes greater than your present pain, you’ll run to Jesus for help. You’ll never be able to be healed, in any way, beyond your ability to endure the pain.” (I still have trouble understanding this sentence, but I know the Lord will show me in His time, because that will be when I am ready to understand it.) “ Your pain threshold will determine how close you can get to Christ. We hold back on the Lord.”
I need to press through all doubts and all concerns about what others will say about me and run to Jesus! I want to deal with all the yesterdays in my life so I can be free from those things that weigh heavily on my life. I carry certain issues with me every day, when all I need to do is leave them with Jesus, why is that so hard for me to do? Do I trust Him to carry through? Am I afraid He will abandon me or walk away from me? Those thoughts are directly from the evil one! They are from words that were spoken over me many years ago.
My thinking has been wrong for a very long time and I am ready to make it right with the Lord. I want to have an encounter with the living Jesus!
I have lived in the pain and shame and I have had enough negative words spoken over me for my whole life, yet “When Jesus speaks a word to us, it straightens things out!”
I have been carrying deep wounds that I have never allowed God to deal with and I need Him to heal me from deep within my heart and soul so that the roots of all these issues will be healed. I do not want to hide who I really am, because Jesus made me who I am, but I can not be healed for who I am, but for Whose I am, for Who I belong to. “Jesus will put to silence every critical voice that has ever spoken over me!”
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Last night, I knew I needed to have an encounter with my Savior, so I met Him and sat in His presence listening to His voice telling me that He really loves me. I thought to myself…do I really even know what love means? Do I really know and feel what Christ’s love means? I know from what I’ve heard and sort of felt, but I have never allowed myself to really ‘feel’ Jesus’ love, His unconditional love, His real love, His forgiving love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NLT
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong”-BINGO! God keeps no record of my wrongs and my mistakes! When I confess them, they are gone as far as the east is from the west! “Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.”-God does not hold anything against me, He forgives me! “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love NEVER fails.”
He will never leave me or forsake me, He never gives up on me or is ashamed of me; He never thinks bad thoughts about me; He never says He was sorry He created me!
I have been placing human characteristics on God, because of how my own ‘dad’ treated me. I can not say that word without cringing, yet I know that I have been praying, repenting and working on forgiving him for those things I held against him that were done so many years ago—the things that have made me afraid of God, because I equated them as being the same value. But God is so much different and can not even be compared to my earthly ‘dad’.
Today, I have been listening to Jesus Culture music and “How HE Loves Me” by David Crowder Band and God has opened my heart and mind to realize that He really loves me for who He created me to be. I cannot act in any ways that surprises Him, He loves me unconditionally and He never gives up on me. Now, as I sit in amazement, I look forward to what He will teach me each minute of every day and I do not want to ever turn back to doubting Him again. I want to think in the positive and live my life for Jesus and for Jesus only!
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